Sideswiped
It is Monday and that usually means a slow day in the office. So I decided to be proactive with the time I had and do a little spring cleaning. This entailed cleaning out file folders on my computer, including old email.
It has been years since I have really cleaned out my email folders.
Unfortunately, I used to be something of a hoarder and created many subfolders to keep everything. I haven’t even touched these folders in a number of years. For whatever reason, I just stopped using them. Bear in mind that I was only 19 when I started working here and the subfolder names reflect that just a bit:
- Brainless
- God Stuff
- Crap to Keep
- Warm Fuzzies
Warm Fuzzies was for all of those emails that encouraged me. Kind of sad that I stopped adding to it, but I am just going to pretend it is because I forgot and not that I don’t get those kind of emails anymore. Anyway…
As I was going through all of the Warm Fuzzies, I uncovered a lot of memories.
Encouragement from him.
Fun old pictures from her.
Atta girls from them.
I remember creating this folder so that I could look back and read them with joy. But unfortunately him, her and them aren’t really in my life anymore or at least the relationship has changed. A lot of which for reasons that were completely out of my control.
Funny thing is I didn’t even have to read the emails. Just their names were enough to fill me with an overwhelming sadness. Not even anger, but just missing these people so much I almost couldn’t breathe.
Where’s a memory flashy thingy when I need one?
But instead of wallowing in today’s dose of despair (I’m certainly no stranger to wallowing), I thought I’d write it out. I haven’t used my blog as a journal in a very long time but this felt appropriate right now.
I didn’t expect to be faced with this today and I am not gonna lie… it sucks a lot. It just goes to show that nothing good can come from cleaning 🙂 but at least you know that I’m hurting. And perhaps could even send up a prayer for comfort on my behalf.
It also goes to show that I still have things to work on and thankfully God is still in the business of mending broken hearts. This afternoon will be spent with chocolate, musical soundtracks and a lot of prayer.
I’ve been struggling with this because of the diet I’m on. I used to bury those feelings in a bag of Swedish Fish. Now, I can’t do that. I’ve been praying a lot about old hurts and God’s been showing me how to take steps toward healing.
You know I believe in you and what you’re doing, right? Don’t forget it. File that in with warm fuzzies.
In the last year I have learned to do lots of little things.
I made wallpapers for my computer with verses or quote that remind me of my own strength. Now I see them and it reminds me I am strong. He has made me that way.
I reach out to a friend. I talked with her last year about being “my person” and one text or email and she is there.
I write. If I had only known a year ago how writing would change me I would have done it sooner. But it does and it has.
I have the Word posted in places that remind me who I am. With or without the people in my life.
I think it was getting together a small arsenal of little things that help keep me grounded. Remembering I am His.
Moving forward is hard. The pain can be intense. But it is in that pain that He works…and Heals.
Praying for you friend.
<3
i relate on so many levels. from the too-many email folders to the deep missing heartache.
you’re on my heart and mind a lot today.
I write music.
Or write many many sentences, multiple paragraph’s worth.
Or talk to friends.
Or go to the gym.
I’m sorry these old hurts are stinging today.
I struggle with this too. I want to email “friends” who aren’t really friends. I hate saying goodbye when I know it’s good for me… what God wants. I want to embrace these friendships forever; mostly, I want them to know Christ in me the Hope of Glory. But, I don’t know if I am the one to show that to them. Don’t think I have the strength.