Well, if you follow my twitter you have seen me vaguely referring to some recent family drama. This is all causing a lot of pain for my family right now and we’re in need of prayer. Particularly my brother and his family (which I hope you will commit to). While I am not going to post in detail what is going on (I want to protect my family’s privacy and dignity) I did want to write something on my blog this week.
Something… in the light of the fact that my writing has been null and almost void as of late.
Since the beginning of this blog, what, 6 years ago… I’ve always shot straight and not held anything back about how I’m doing and what I am going through. And today is no exception.
So, I’ll be honest with you now and say, I am not doing very well. A couple of weeks ago I began experiencing a flare-up of my depression and now with everything that is going with my family… well, yeah, I am not doing very well.
But here’s the problem: I am the fixer. Or at least that is what I try and put off. I don’t like imbalance. I don’t like chaos. I don’t like when things aren’t “good” and “normal.” On the outside, I am solid. I am a rock — for everyone else. But on the inside I am a total mess, I am broken, I am depleted.
I had a friend one time compare temperaments like mine to a duck in a pond: Totally calm on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath — and that picture could not be more true of my condition right now.
The reason I am so honest about this is simple: I am SO tired of seeing the body of Christ fake their way through life. Too often we appear happy when we are not. When we’re depressed, scared, angry, anything but happy, we put on a happy face. As if that is helpful. As if that is healthy.
The problem with living with pain that is hidden… is how it shows it self later. We as humans figure out ways to cope. And generally they aren’t healthy ways. Whether it be porn, drugs, cutting, sex, gluttony, whatever it is … we cope. Especially when we leave things in the dark.
Right now, my temptation to use porn to cope with my circumstances is incredibly high.
And wouldn’t that be a nice little way for the enemy to ruin the good thing God is doing.
You see, I can’t pretend I am fine. I can’t go hide and not let people into my pain. If I do that, it is a dangerous road. So I know that I have to let people in. I know that I have to let people ask me how I am. I have to ask for prayer.
And more importantly, I have to honest.
If we as Christians can’t get real about how we are… how can we expect those who don’t know Christ… to ever see Christ revealed? We are His instruments and He allows things to come into our lives for us to trust Him. To surrender to Him.
And as a result, we glorify Him and reveal His power in us.
Stop living above grace and mercy. Stop living as if you are not supposed to have trouble and hurts. Stop believing the lie that you can take care of yourself. Stop lying. Stop hiding. Stop pretending your life farts rainbows.
“You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27