Grace makes beauty out of ugly things…
most of you who read my blog know that i used to have an intense porn addiction. i have been open about it, pretty much from the beginning. you have been gracious, loving and supportive.
and i know that even after what i say today, you still will be. for that, i am thankful. even knowing that, it is still hard to bring myself to say this… but here goes:
i looked at porn last night.
even though i practically closed it faster than it came up, it still happened. i searched for it. it wasn’t an accident. unfortunately, i don’t have an excuse good enough to justify doing it at all other than, as with any addiction, i am human and i sinned.
as part of this blog community, i felt i owed it to you to be honest and to be accountable for my actions.
my tuesday was a rough one, having attended a funeral and having fought a migraine since monday, among other things. i was searching for something to comfort me, and even though i have come close to using porn as an escape before, i have fight off the temptations that came my way. but for whatever reason, last night, i gave in.
just goes to show, that if you’re not prayed-up and not on guard, and not seeking Him first to comfort… the enemy can creep in. particularly through our weakest areas and in our most vulnerable times. i am grateful and humbled to have a Savior with enough grace to cover my every weakness.
if you need help with your porn or sexual addiction… contact me, i’d love to talk with you or visit xxxchurch.com for incredible resources.
thank you for your grace.
….for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. Romans 3:23-25
Sweetie, you are loved! Praying for you during this time of difficulty!
Crystal, I am praying for you (and that’s not just one of those ‘right things to say right now’ statements either), thank you for your transparency, you’ve probably just helped more people than you could ever realize.
I deeply admire your strength, transparency and raw, pure commitment to “running a good race”.
Your passage from Romans could not be more appropriate. I hope you have trusted, loving friends in your life to encourage you and love you for the perfect example of walking out your faith, in the most intimate & humbling way; in confession, humility and grace.
Wow, Crystal. God Bless you sis!
Wow. I admire your transparency about this. Praying for you.
wow! i admire your honesty.
Thanks chica. Been thinking about you and will continue. Love ya.
I love you!!
and i love your new look on the site!!
you are so brave. i love you!
I appreciate your honesty and will be praying that God will comfort you and cover you with His grace today.
I love you. I’m proud of you.
Praying for you today and will continue to also. Thank you for being vulnerable.
Grace? Compassion? Understanding? Love? Encouragement? Comfort? Love?
Those are the things you are getting from me.
Those are the things you are getting from God.
Without question, I understand exactly what you are going through.
Without a doubt, God knows what you are going through. He has never left you alone. He is always with you. He will always love you.
I admire your courage!
From one recovering porn addict to another: Thank God we are living under His grace rather than our shame. It is so rare to find a woman willing to be open and transparent about her porn addiction. It is so refreshing given that society tends to label this a mens issue.
I pray the day never comes when I must confess to looking at porn again but I know if it does it will not change who I am in the eyes of those who love me, including my Savior.
Pinkhairedgirl, it is a pleasure to read your blog,and see your twitter,and get the privilege of knowing you a little bit. I am amazed at your honesty. I have never heard a female openly admit a porn addiction. I sure know it is VERY real within women however. After working ministry for so many years, I am starting to wonder if women struggle with it as much as men do.
I will be praying for you. Know that if ever you need to talk, or have a struggle, look me up online ok? My AIM is Phatmommasita.
No judgment, promise.
Really proud of your honesty.
where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more.
i will be praying for you. you are the bravest person i know .
you are loved.
a good friend of mine once told me after the same confession that “God doesn’t throw stones, so don’t throw stones at yourself.” What comfort those words brought in the midst of pain, shame, guilt, and self-beating.
glad to know you are resting in grace today.
PS. You are NOT the only one struggling with this this week! I am right there with you..desiring just for the sake of addiction. Praying for you.
Slips like yours are the reason I’m not a big fan of the “days sober” count as the be-all-end-all measure of success in 12- step groups.
One slip does not wipe out all the work you’ve done (and God has done in you) getting past this addiction.
For that matter, NOT slipping is not, in and of itself, a sure sign that you have successfully addressed the root issues of your addiction. Especially since research shows that women tend to have a binge/purge quality to their sexual addictions that men do not.
When I first started dealing with my cybersex addiction, what had been a binge-like behavior that came up every few months or in times of extreme stress, became a constant temptation (with more failures than successes). And yet this was a critical step in addressing the root causes of my addiction and being honest with myself and others.
So, press on – in Ed Welch’s (see his book on Addictions!) terms, this is definitely a category 2 relapse (vs. category 1, which is the relapse of the person who really didn’t want to give up their addiction in the first place). Often, this type of relapse (category 2) ends up strengthening the addict’s resolve and reminding her that her addiction is a pitiful, weak idol and can’t compare to the power and love of the one true God.
Liz…thanks for sharing. I needed those words as well.
I dont see what is wrong with porn, it’s like a personal preference, nobody else is harmed. you shouldn’t be ashamed of what your body naturally needs.
i just blogged about this. thanks for being transparent, crystal. hopefully, you will inspire others to be honest with the struggles and receive the healing they need.