Break through, break through all my doubts
Break through, break through all my fears
Break through that I may worship You
Break through, break through all my pain
Break through, all my guilt and my shame
Break through like only You can do
You are brighter than my darkest night
Stronger than my toughest fight
Just one touch from You my King, my friend
And I’ll never be the same again
Break through, break through”
Break Through, Tommy Walker
I’ve been struggling the last few days about what to post. But the desire to post something has remained, so bare with me as once again I deliver to you another long post of random rambings.
First, to my Westside Family… I can’t even tell you enough how amazing it is to get your emails and comments. Many of which I send on to our entire staff because for me, they fill me with such joy and sense of victory over the enemy that I must share. To see our family band together in rally with prayer, support and love… dang it’s so good. So, thank you and bless you. And second to those who are removed from this situation but are still standing in mighty prayer for Westside… thank you also for your many emails and comments. Seeing how far stretched the prayer for Westside and the healing of all involved is… is incredibly encouraging and awe-inspiring. Thank you. All, just know I am doing all I can to individually respond to each one of them but there’s so many… it’s overwhelming (in a good way, of course!!).
I don’t know about you but I’ve been taken captive in the Word over these last 2 weeks and I must tell you what healing it is bringing me. Prayer has always come fairly easy for me as I believe one of my spiritual gifts is intercessory prayer, however, reading and actually studying the Bible…. the Living Word of God…. is not something that has ever come easy for me. How crazy is that?
Anyway, like I mentioned in my last post, I’ve taken up camp in Hosea 2 the last week or so. Feeling almost as though physically drawn to this chapter. The thing is, a majority of this chapter has been walked through by me. Already highlighted and underlined. And going back has simply blown me away. Some of what’s already highlighted with many colors, many times over is reminding me and taking me back to how I’ve been through this similar situation 2 years ago with our former youth pastor. Confirming how I sought refuge in God’s word then too. Having already highlighted most of Hosea 2. Having seen Israel be punished but then restored anew, it’s encouraging. Because His promise is true.
And even though I’ve been in this chapter for the last week and half, last night I noticed something I didn’t see before. I love how God does that. I have a “worship” bible and it contains in the margin lyrics to songs, quotes, etc. that were inspired by the Word. And next to Hosea 2 is quotes “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing” – a hymn I first learned when Darin Raffety lead it during his days at The Well. Fitting, huh?
Hither by Thy help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.”
Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, Robert Robinson (1758)
Did you know the story of the man who wrote that hymn? Read it. Also, fitting.
The lyrics at the beginning of my post have been my prayer tonight (Break Through by Tommy Walker) as I’m still battling with the loss that this all brings me. I’ve tried putting on the face and being strong, but friends, there’s deep pain here. I’m battling the feelings of betrayal. The feelings of anger. With bitterness. With still wanting to FIX it. The innocent 15-year old still inside me of is crying, bitter and angry seeing what the 22 year old self has to walk through. I’ve been thinking back to all of the many, many good memories in the early days of my faith at Westside. Walking with and learning from my pastor… one on one. The years of mentorship and friendship with the other party too. Any and all of the sweet memories seem to be filling with bitterness, confusion and grief.
I pray against this in Jesus’ Name. Keep these memories clean and free of the enemy. The one who is out to kill, steal and destroy. The good of the past is still good. In Jesus’ Name. The mess in the messenger does not negate the message. Help me to believe that. “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24
I’ve definitely been praying against my flesh. That my heart would not grow hard but it’s most definitely hard to keep it soft. Almost as if keeping it soft makes it vulnerable and open to more hurt. Everything happens in God’s timing. He’s allowing His church to be cleansed and my fear of additional hurt should not stand in the way of that. It can’t. And like I’ve said many times, He’s not surprised by any of this.
So, I’ve got to lay it down.
Thank you for letting me expose my heart. Be gentle with it.
What are you learning, reading, singing, anything-ing… ?
i love you crystal. Ill try to comment again later on what im learning…but right now i just wanted you to know that i love you and im praying for you. You’re amazing. Draw near to God, He’ll continue to draw near to you. I love that promise. Cling to it.
I am learning to freaking relax. I freaked out about loosing my brushes. I didn’t think that they made it here…they did. Whew. No big deal right? Okay, so that was just a comfort thing right. No, okay now for the big one. Today after the unpack, my address book with EVERYONE in it….yes everyone is GONE. Yup, gone. No, I am not bitter. I am mad and sad and broken and wronged and and and. And then I think that there is a purpose right? Lesson to be learned in this place of big spiders and fences to be kept safe where I miss my neices birthday and my sisters voice and my mom to make me feel secure. But you know we can make a new one and I will make it through. There were all the kids from the youth group and my family and all the people from Las Vegas and California. It was on the plane because I was writing letters and now, here…nope. I don’t know what to do. Crystal, please pray for me and for this not to make me go crazy. A purpose for me to grow and learn. Right? Something has to be the reason. Suck.
i am standing with you in this prayer….you are beautiful, your heart is beautiful, and will only continue to emerge and reflect in his glory.