ending your own life…

i haven’t posted it about it yet because i wasn’t really sure how, but one week ago, my sister-in-law’s dad committed suicide. he was found in his apartment nearly 24 hours later. although i didn’t know him much outside of a few of birthday parties, this was and is an incredibly difficult situation for my brother, my oldest nephew, my sister-in-law and her family.

in those left behind, there’s so much guilt associated with suicide. it is always a shock. it is always something you feel like you could have prevented. or you feel like it was your fault because maybe you didn’t answer a phone call or visit them enough. i ask for your prayers for my sister-in-law because she is experiencing all of these emotions. she’s in deep pain and feeling deep guilt that is falsely directed at herself.

with this situation hitting my family and in the recent news of hollywood (the apparent suicides of actor brad renfroe, and now actor heath ledger) i can’t help but sit here thinking of how someone gets to this point. of choosing such a permanent solution to temporary problems. of making what could only be in my eyes the most selfish act a person can make.

when i was in middle school i went through a spell of depressing days. what on earth i could have been so depressed over at age 11 i really have no idea now. but i remember having a sense of such hopelessness that i too had many thoughts of suicide. i had figured out how i was going to do it. even when. and even where. i obviously i didn’t go through with it but it was still an option and the thoughts of it went with me for several years later.

these thoughts of ending my own life were mostly overshadowed by, at the time, my own fear of death and what would happen after as well as the pain that i knew it would cause my family. i’ve never even told anyone about this and posting about it on my blog may spark many unnecessary questions.

it would be over 4 years later before i found any true hope. when i found my relationship with Jesus Christ. whether or not the people above knew Christ, i know it was my finding Christ that pulled me out of the quicksand that was my own inward focus. it was incredibly freeing to know that i was not alone. that i had a Father who loved me greater than anyone on earth ever could.

hope for when even the world feels as if it is crumbling around me.

even now, i have bouts with depression but during these seasons i have hope. i seek wise and biblical counseling. and even safe, low-dose and monitored medication. although i don’t think they should be a crutch, there’s nothing i hate more than to hear people say that as Christians we shouldn’t take anti-depressants. i truly believe that depression can be chemical and taking medication is okay and in fact even necessary for a season of time.

today, i leave you with this challenge:

although the unforeseen actions of others are not your fault, please pray for those close to you. even the young. for you have no clue the internal struggles they may be having. or what dangerous vices they are using to numb the pain. or what thoughts are streaming their mines that feel like the right answer, but are so wrong. for even when a person seems to have it all together, the truth is, no one does.


  1. thank you for your candor and openness in giving us an inside perspective on this tragedy.

  2. Stephanie

    I am not intentionally trying to be disrespectful, but this post upset me deeply. You are oversimplifying suicide and everything that goes along with it. My aunt killed herself a few years ago, and there is just so much that you don’t understand yet… so much you can’t possibly grasp enough yet, for you to be making such harsh statements. It’s so easy to say how selfish suicide is (yes, it certainly is)… but there is just so much more to it.

    Oh- and it’s not believed that Heath Ledger killed himself either… not intentionally anyhow.

    Off soapbox now…

  3. My prayers are with your sister-in-law and family. May they know the peace that only God can bring.

  4. Me

    you have absolutely NO frickin idea of what pain is, obviusally. Physical which in turn leads to mental pain…if ?I or someone else kills themselves there IS a verry good reason for it! All you wads that say “god wouldn’t want you to kill yourself”…then WHY is “he” allowing what is happening to me continue? All you bible preaching morons make me sick!

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