I am an insecure person.
No, this isn’t some new epiphany from God. This is something that I’ve known forever. And is the thing I hate most about myself. I am not even sure why I am sharing about this now other than it was heavy on my heart tonight.
My insecurities stem from any number of things. And probably the worst thing you can do is spell them out and acknowledge them, but I am going to:
1. I am insecure in my relationships with people. I have been burned in the past. Hurt, broken and abused. I am always waiting for the next person in my life that I truly care about to drop me. And I truly believe I end up damaging relationships as a result of this one.
2. I am insecure in my career. I was the “good child” — the one that was supposed to be the success. But most of the time I feel like a big, fat failure cause I don’t have “the title” and six-figure salary.
3. I am insecure in my own skin. What can come across as arrogance is really shyness and insecurity. I am awkward and find it terribly difficult to say, “thank you” when I am complemented. I have always been overweight, shorter than everyone else and the youngest in whatever setting I am placed in. While all are not bad things, its definitely been the cause of insecurity.
4. I am insecure when asked to be vulnerable. On my blog is one thing – that is on my own terms. But get me in true intimacy like a small group or a new group of friends and I close up. Goes back to #1.
5. I am even insecure in my relationship with God. Am I really forgiven for the sinful things I’ve done? Really? Surely not if He can truly see what I’ve done.
While I know I am not defined by my past, or defined by how people see me, or defined by my past or future sins–my heart’s prayer is that I would freakin’ get over myself and so I can live in what is True.
The Truth that I teach in counseling sessions.
The Truth that I preach from my blog.
The Truth that I share with my brother.
The Truth that security can’t be found here on earth.
The Truth that security lies in Him and Him alone.
It is exhausting living in the shadow of insecurity.
Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. Psalm 25:20