I am an insecure person.
No, this isn’t some new epiphany from God. This is something that I’ve known forever. And is the thing I hate most about myself. I am not even sure why I am sharing about this now other than it was heavy on my heart tonight.
My insecurities stem from any number of things. And probably the worst thing you can do is spell them out and acknowledge them, but I am going to:
1. I am insecure in my relationships with people. I have been burned in the past. Hurt, broken and abused. I am always waiting for the next person in my life that I truly care about to drop me. And I truly believe I end up damaging relationships as a result of this one.
2. I am insecure in my career. I was the “good child” — the one that was supposed to be the success. But most of the time I feel like a big, fat failure cause I don’t have “the title” and six-figure salary.
3. I am insecure in my own skin. What can come across as arrogance is really shyness and insecurity. I am awkward and find it terribly difficult to say, “thank you” when I am complemented. I have always been overweight, shorter than everyone else and the youngest in whatever setting I am placed in. While all are not bad things, its definitely been the cause of insecurity.
4. I am insecure when asked to be vulnerable. On my blog is one thing – that is on my own terms. But get me in true intimacy like a small group or a new group of friends and I close up. Goes back to #1.
5. I am even insecure in my relationship with God. Am I really forgiven for the sinful things I’ve done? Really? Surely not if He can truly see what I’ve done.
While I know I am not defined by my past, or defined by how people see me, or defined by my past or future sins–my heart’s prayer is that I would freakin’ get over myself and so I can live in what is True.
The Truth that I teach in counseling sessions.
The Truth that I preach from my blog.
The Truth that I share with my brother.
The Truth that security can’t be found here on earth.
The Truth that security lies in Him and Him alone.
It is exhausting living in the shadow of insecurity.
Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. Psalm 25:20
Yep. There with you..on all accounts. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for all you share I am with you on this one and it touched me and allowed me to be honest.
Praying for you. I hate the battle I have with insecurity.
right there with ya. it is hard to believe the truth a lot of the time for me. i want to.
your number 1 on the list i can TOTALLY agree with. i can be available to people but its hard for me to trust that someone else will catch me…and that i won’t find myself flat on my rear. i must agree with you as well on #3…i appear much more confediant than i will probably ever be..its a defense mechanism..self protection. so i am very glad you wrote on this and its not something that is easy by any means to come forward about. so thanks!!!
very honest thoughts, sister. more honest than most (bmccoy)
and i hate it too.
me too. ALL of it. it’s comforting? .. that this was on your heart last night, because it was also so heavy on mine. i don’t know you personally, face to face, but it’s wonderful to me that the Lord would use you in my life to remind me that i am not alone.
I am glad that you noted this post. Strange how we can somehow be more honest in cyberspace.
I just want to let you know how impressed I have been with you and your abilities overt the past several weeks that we have had multiple oportunities to work, attend, enjoy, experience together.
I just made the comment the other day that as soon as I have an oportunity to hire someone, I would hire you first.
As with most people: You are better than you know.
Grace and Peace,
very transparent and inspiring. this sort of honesty is very encouraging to all.
I understand battling insecurity. i completely understand how you feel.