this might turn out to be an awkward post since i really have no idea how to word myself but i just feel like writing without proper thought tonight. i just gotta be honest with myself and how i am feeling about everything. honest about what went through my head most of the day at work today. here goes:
throughout my entire life, i’ve worn the hat of “the fixer”. whether it was during my mom’s stint with depression, protecting my brother’s out-of-wedlock baby news, during my other brother’s drug and alcholism, taking care of my family… oddly being the one everyone turns to. anything and everything. i fix things. that’s what i do. i make things better. somehow. i rescue. and perhaps that’s not healthy… no it’s not healthy but that’s what i do. so naturally when a crisis happens, i am automatically on “what can i do to make it better” mode, “who can i help through this” mode, “what can i say to make it better” mode.
to serve. to counsel. to love. to protect.
but now… this. this HUGE… life-changing situation in my church has come forward and into the light. this huge thing that i can’t fix. i can’t even kind of fix it. i can’t make it better. and it is making me feel powerless. it’s so big friends.
i can’t fix dave. i can’t fix his family. i can’t fix becky. i can’t fix her marriage. i can’t fix those who were also affected by other angles of this. i can’t fix our church body. i can’t make them feel better. i can’t make this better. i can’t fix our image in the community. i can’t fix this. but that’s all i want to do. i am so frustrated, sad, angry, confused, embarrassed and numb all at once.
i know that God doesn’t need me to fix it. i know He’s got it covered. i know He’s not surprised by ANY of this. but that’s where i’m at in this whole grieving process.
in case you’re like, “Crystal is off her handle…” – fear not – i’m really ok. just part of the process i assume. i have actively sought counseling through an organization called PastorServe who have been around this week and for the months to come specifically to aid to our staff. they are a church crisis management organization. one of their core purposes is helping churches in such situations that we’re in right now. sad that there is such a thing. but was surprisingly helpful.
i spoke a long time yesterday with Jimmy Dodd who is their Executive Director and ironically a long-time friend of Dave. he helped me work through some of my trust and betrayal feelings. I was even able to pray for Dave by name last night… which even though i’ve asked you to – I haven’t been able to. That’s honesty, right?
Of course, I am not “fixed” cause there are deep-rooted wounds here but I am definitely further down the road of healing than I was even one day ago.
Yea God! and to HIM only be the Glory.
saturday will be a good day. i am getting my hair cut and colored, getting a pedicure and going out with a few of my girlfriends. something not related to anything important other than my own sanity.
Thank you for your continued prayers for everything.
Ways to Pray:
- Our staff (Esphesians 6:10-20)
- The familes involved (Lamentations 3:17-26, 30-31, 40-41)
- Healing for our church (2 Corinthians 1:3-5, Acts 1:8)
- Marriages (Espesians 5:22-33)
- The future direction of our church (Hebrews 12)
random and maybe inappropriate, but my blog stats have been crazy high this week… so i want to do a role call. like, “who the heck even knew i had a blog” kind of crazy high. i truly appreciate you coming by no matter why you came or where you came from but i would like to know WHO you are. even if you’ve done it before… do it again so everyone feels comfortable. feel free to comment without having to introduce yourself though. thanks!
- who are you?
- where are you?
- what do you do?
- how did you get here?
- don’t forget to leave your blog link for others to visit.