Tonight at THiRST Jonny and the other band guys played, “Heart of Worship.” This is one of those songs that takes me back to my early Westside days and frankly… my early days as a Christian. I seriously haven’t sang that song during a service of any kind in several years. Out of the norm completely.

Matt Redman wrote it was a way to peal away all of the bells, whistles and the other things that keep us from fully engaging in worship with our Father, but Jonny brought an interesting and innovating twist to this old camp-high classic. Jonny sang a continual repeat of a very simple line but that one line became incredibly worshipful for me. It was the kind of “oh dang” moment that you know that God is trying to be heard. The line was, “You’re looking into my heart.” In context it appears during the pre-chorus. “You looking deeper within to the way things appear, You’re looking into my heart”.

The reason why I believe it hit me so hard was because of my old “God can’t really see what I am really feeling” kind of thinking. I have been in a FUNK today. I believe it to be a combination of “Aunt Flow” coming ’round the bend (sorry guys) and just a lot of anxiety I am facing because of a lot changes happening. I am very good at hiding my true feelings when I want to avoid them and don’t want others to see.

Tonight God definitely had this song in place to speak to me. To speak so loud I couldn’t ignore it. Kind of like: “Yes, Crystal… I am looking into your heart and I see your funk and see why you feel anxious and honey… you can’t hide from Me.”

I don’t know why I keep thinking I can.

Friends, if you could look into my heart too – this is what you would find:

My continuous plea of how long?
How long until my life looks like I desire it to look like? (work, social, etc.)

I have a new boss beginning Monday.
In over 2 years, I truly haven’t had a “boss” as in someone who truly oversees what I do in a particular department. There is a lot of anxiety I am feeling over this right now. I don’t know how I will be having a real job-related boss. I fear I have been flying under the radar up until now and people are going to finally see that I truly don’t have any talent at all. That I am a fraud and truly inadequate.

Although driving has been going fairly well I am still incredibly fearful of it. 
I have allowed SO many people “inside” my fear that it is now embarrassing. All of the interest and questions make me feel like a child with an debilitating illness. I appreciate everyone’s kind words and the support, but I am sure you can understand how I feel.

Bahh. See… messy.  I am grateful I am not alone though.

by the way… there are still several of you out in the internet world who have yet to change your linkage to my new blog (like… eh-hem… Mrs. flowerdust and Mr. ragamuffinsoul). So, if you have not yet changed your RSS feed or linkage either… please do so friends! It is easy kids!

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