Sorry, No Clever Title…
I fight depression. There. I said it.
And it has been a battle I’ve waged since my late-teens.
I have high hills and low valleys.
Why am I writing about this today? Well, friends… the Big D is back. And it is back bigger than I have experienced it in a long while. This particular bout has been a long-time coming though (since Christmas I reckon). But I ignored it, trying to be strong and beat it without the aid of something chemical.
I don’t know why I can’t seem to learn from the past.
The biggest way depression affects me is isolation and the loss of motivation and joy. When these times of depression come along, I tend to just wanna be alone – all the time – complete avoidance of all humankind. I sleep, eat and I feel really, really sad. And not to mention, also feel really, really worthless.
My defenses are down and the enemy swoops in with his less-than-clever lies. (ie. no one loves you and your friends don’t actually like you, you have no business writing a book, why should anyone listen to an uneducated loser like you, you have no value, etc.) and when I buy into them, the depression grows because I begin to believe them. And my past comes back up. Painful memories consume my mind. Anger and bitterness is directed at everything and everyone. And temptations overwhelm me.
Even writing this post, I feel inadequate to do so.
I know some people just simply don’t believe in depression and/or mental illness. And that’s fine. You can believe what you want to believe. But I know that what I am facing and have faced in the past, isn’t normal. And a lack of faith or closeness in my relationship with God isn’t the cause for it. And there’s no quick fix.
I have a great life. Great job. Great church. Great family. Great friends. And an even greater God who loves me. But it is bigger than life’s circumstances and I think that what a lot of people don’t understand about depression.
We live in a broken world, a fallen world. And our bodies are a part of it. Depression is a very real, chemical imbalance and sometimes it takes more than prayer and Kum Ba Yah to overcome it. And in my case, depression is even genetic. Yes… genetic.
So, as of midnight on May 1, I am back on a low-dose anti-depressant. For a season, to help me climb out of this black hole.
The reason I tell you all this is two-fold.
1) To ask that you please pray for me. I don’t enjoy these seasons. Quite lonely & quite dark. The lack of motivation and joy is the hardest part. I have much to be motivated and excited for (my book, vacation and speaking engagements) but I am literally depleted.
2) To tell those who are battling your own depression that you are definitely not alone. This is a safe place to share your story and to receive support & prayer.
Let us all do what Galatians 6 calls us to, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”